The Things We Take
Don't fret, Dee is still alive. Blogging is something that requires a great deal of digging. Digging through my brain to find something worthy of spreading on the internet. Needless to say, I haven't done too much digging lately. There were a few topics that I wanted to discuss. But you never know how they will spill out of brain and into the typing fingers.
I must admit that is nice sometimes, to just let it all come out ala stream of consciousness. Is that what I shall talk about today? So far, yes. But no, there are some things that I wanted say. I wanted to talk about the things that we carry with us from the past. I'm talking about literal, tangible things and mental objects. Most of the things we take with us on our life journey serve the purpose of going back to a memory. For instance, a shoebox full of pictures. Everybody has pictures, and perhaps no other medium can capture a memory like a good old Polaroid of you and the family Truck.
Well, that just sounded like an advertisement. Let's get off of photos.
Sometimes we take things with us that remind us of pain. This is what I really want to talk about. I can't speak for anybody but myself on this one.
There have been some bad times in my life. It happens. Crap gets clogged up and sediment, well settles and you end up looking at what you have in front of you and, blam! you accept it. I'm not going to go into details about those bad times. But I will say that, I feel as I get older I am paying for those times in my present. I've kept something with me for a long time. Something nasty. Something that reminds me everyday of what I think I should deserve for being in those bad times. For being the person responsible for those bad times. I just realized this yesterday. I've kept this thing with me for so long. This painful, awful, ugly thing. Why? Because I inherently wanted to punish myself. But now I don't want to suffer anymore. I want to cleanse the pallet and create new times that are good.
Nothing was ever as bad as it was then. I don't think it can ever go back to that place. One of the good things about accepting growth is that you can really judge yourself by your previous actions. If there is one lesson to be learned over and over by myself, and taught by myself is that in no way can I settle. I don't want to take an easy path to some kind of make-believe void. I want tomorrow to be the opposite of today. I want to accept the accepting. I want to bore you'all with blah, blahs and popcorn.
What does that all mean? Not sure really. But this thing that I've kept with me for so long is leaving me soon. I am really excited about it.
Latron,
Dee
I must admit that is nice sometimes, to just let it all come out ala stream of consciousness. Is that what I shall talk about today? So far, yes. But no, there are some things that I wanted say. I wanted to talk about the things that we carry with us from the past. I'm talking about literal, tangible things and mental objects. Most of the things we take with us on our life journey serve the purpose of going back to a memory. For instance, a shoebox full of pictures. Everybody has pictures, and perhaps no other medium can capture a memory like a good old Polaroid of you and the family Truck.
Well, that just sounded like an advertisement. Let's get off of photos.
Sometimes we take things with us that remind us of pain. This is what I really want to talk about. I can't speak for anybody but myself on this one.
There have been some bad times in my life. It happens. Crap gets clogged up and sediment, well settles and you end up looking at what you have in front of you and, blam! you accept it. I'm not going to go into details about those bad times. But I will say that, I feel as I get older I am paying for those times in my present. I've kept something with me for a long time. Something nasty. Something that reminds me everyday of what I think I should deserve for being in those bad times. For being the person responsible for those bad times. I just realized this yesterday. I've kept this thing with me for so long. This painful, awful, ugly thing. Why? Because I inherently wanted to punish myself. But now I don't want to suffer anymore. I want to cleanse the pallet and create new times that are good.
Nothing was ever as bad as it was then. I don't think it can ever go back to that place. One of the good things about accepting growth is that you can really judge yourself by your previous actions. If there is one lesson to be learned over and over by myself, and taught by myself is that in no way can I settle. I don't want to take an easy path to some kind of make-believe void. I want tomorrow to be the opposite of today. I want to accept the accepting. I want to bore you'all with blah, blahs and popcorn.
What does that all mean? Not sure really. But this thing that I've kept with me for so long is leaving me soon. I am really excited about it.
Latron,
Dee
posted by DeesKnees at 1:49 PM
8 Comments:
I'm curious what this thing was. Was I there or around during this time? Did I help or hurt? If I wasn’t any help I'm sorry. Hope you get rid of it soon. I have some regrets in my life. Mostly not daring to live. Some of my daring to live moments I could probably live without though. I think we do some stupid stuff when we are younger. We try things we shouldn't, mostly because of curiosity I think. Sometimes just because people tell us not to.. Our parents are probably the main culprits in this. I both love and hate the memories. I am conflicted to be sure. I’m found of some and ashamed of others. I must not blame myself though. Not worth the trouble. I have too much other stuff to look forward to. This may be naive of me of course. Maybe there isn't anything to look forward to. I guess it is just in my nature to be positive even if I have no right to be. I certainly can recognize a sucky situation when I see one though. I happen to like to point those moments out and live in the glorious shityness that it is and then move on to something better. I often comment on how the moment pretty much sucks and then try to find the humor in it so that I can keep my sanity. Some around me may find this sick, but I'll be enjoying my day while they try to make sense of it all. I don't really know if there is sense to make of it. Shit happens… this is the one thing I know for sure. I just try to avoid it as best I can. I hope you can look back on what ever has been bothering you and laugh about it someday. Maybe we can have a few drinks and do this soon.
Brad,
I can try to answer some things for you. I left this blog very vague, but a good vague I think. I just re-read what I wrote and it still makes sense to me. I can say that it isn't really about people so much as it is about myself. It's also not really about regrets or memories. It is more of a reminder of a 'lifestyle' in which I once lived. That 'lifestyle' affected other people, especially close ones, and of course myself.
Now this thing that I am still living with, but which is leaving me soon, came to me during that time. It stayed with me keeping me uncomfortable for all these years. Let's just say it is a burr in my side.
I am a much more poisitve person now than ever. So everything is moving in the right direction. In fact I sometimes feel like the Anti-Derek because I pine for optimisim so much.
I'm all about drinks (though on a side note, this thing is related to drinks), with anybody. I am hoping my Bloggage will keep me more connected with my friends and family.
Latron,
Dee
Your blog contained many subliminal messages, but I understand. You know, and if this session is about rants, as Brad accomplished very well, I have something to respond with. Rants. Oh I love them.
A thought that I've always tried to keep close is the ability to acknowledge and move on. For whatever reasons why things don't work out in life, they all have explanations. I guess it's easier in hindsight, I'll take that from a close person to me. When you're going through things, whether good or bad, it's always easy after the fact to acknowledge why they played out the way they did. I use relationships with this point. When we're in the middle of them, answers for why things happen aren't always clear. Step back a few paces, and it might just make sense. I think this is something that takes time to figure out. Or at least put into motion within any relationship.
That would then bring me to the term awareness. Oh I've learned a lot over the past months. The more you are aware, the more you will acknowledge, and thus, deal with or sort out in the present...not in hindsight.
I could totally be off on this response and sound disillusioned...ha...reassurance. However maybe I'm throwing out some structure to the blog that you started to add for the topic of conversation. You decide.
Andrew,
You make a very good point. Why is it so godamn hard to step back in your current situation and realize that it isn't working? We are humans we do these stupid things.
Some people end up in relationships with people with whom they detest, and yet they tell that person that they love them? They are unable to step back and assess the situation.
This is not just with relationships of course, but it works well for the anology.
I guess the bottom line is that, it is very, very difficult to assess a situation when you are in the situation. If only we could take a 'step back' pill and see it all.....
Hmmmm......
Please Rant and Rave. That's the idea here.
Latron,
Dee
I don't rant and rave do I?
I am unsure if I have ever purposely spent time with someone I hate. I hope I haven't ever hated someone I was with. If I have I am glad I don't know it. Ignorance is bliss.
Hey Dobby--It's Muscles. I like reading your blogs. I support you! I got a fever; and the only cure is more cowbell!!!
You know we don't write enough songs that feature the cowbell.
I would be doing myself and this band a disservice if I didn't play the hell out of this cowbell!
Post a Comment
<< Home